


They're Not Mine, I Swear!

by supercasey



Series: Red Vs. Blue One-Shots [3]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Cute, F/M, Fluff, Growing Up Together, One Night Stands, Parenthood, Siblings, Surprise Children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-14
Updated: 2014-01-14
Packaged: 2018-01-08 14:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercasey/pseuds/supercasey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crazy Family AU. When O'Malley had gotten the call, he had thought that it was a total lie, he never wanted kids, frankly, he found kids to be nothing but excuses for people to not die. However, when two different woman that he had spent one night stands with die from different events, he is magically landed with his accidental off-spring. But still, being a psycho murderer was hard enough. But raising two sons? Well, if O'Malley was anywhere but on earth at this point, he figured he was in Hell... expect of course, when he managed to get one of his kids to smile or laugh. At those times... he was in Heaven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They're Not Mine, I Swear!

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since I saw the episodes with O'Malley living in Doc's head while dragging Lopez around, I couldn't help but imagine them all as some sort of fucked up family. I'll definitely use some of the lines from Red Vs Blue, PS, none of this stuff is owned by me, it all belongs to Rooster Teeth!

It was a late June day when O'Malley found himself in his latest lair, having just tortured a helpless woman to death, when he received the call. He cursed as he grabbed at his phone (It was, of course, colored purple and black as a sign of how evil it was) and tried to muffle out anymore curses encase it was the cops again.

"Hello?" O'Malley asked in that odd accent of his. "This is Mr. O'Malley speaking."

After a few seconds, an all too familiar voice spoke up. "Hey, O'Malley."

It was Alesia, a woman he had only seemed to know for one night before she left through his window, obviously not wanting more then a very simple one night stand. O'Malley hardly remembered the event to be honest, sure, he remembered small snippets of that gorgeous and truly elegant night, but the rest was a huge blur. He remembered being drunk, and that she had been as well. Long story short, O'Malley hadn't seen or heard from the Mexican woman since. Well... he had banged her sister too... not on the same night, but he remembered that as a one night stand as well. Now that O'Malley really thought about it... he had had alot of one night stands back as a teenager and young adult. He was still young, at only twenty seven, but he had a feeling that his age wasn't the point of this phone call.

"What is it, Alesia?" O'Malley asked from his end, glaring at a few sheets of paperwork for his new weapon in front of him. "I thought it was over between us."

"It is." Alesia said simply, obviously upset, her Mexican accent was thick from her end. "I need a favor, a rather... large one."

O'Malley was tempted to laugh at that. "Oh, really? And why, my dear, would I help someone like you?"

"Because," Alesia spoke, obviously upset. "This doesn't really involve me at all, this is about you and Lopez. I'm sure you don't know him... makes you a pretty shitty father for never visiting your own flesh and blood, huh?"

O'Malley's eyes widened, a child, named Lopez? This had to be a sick joke. "You must be joking, I don't have any children." he said rather snidely.

Alesia rolled her auburn eyes. "Well, now you do. He's yours, me and my sister did the blood test before... the accident. She was killed, O'Malley, in a horrible car accident. Lopez saw it all, I can't take it anymore! This is your child to deal with, not mine! I'll send him to your shitty home by ten PM tonight, expect him there soon." With that, the phone went dead, before O'Malley could question how this woman had gotten his phone number and knew where he lived.

Standing up, O'Malley stared out the window, a lost look in his blood, red eyes. He was a father, a true father, to an innocent child. He remembered that the one night stand with that woman sister had only been seven or six years ago... making Lopez only around five or six years old by now. What would O'Malley do when Lopez arrived, say 'Sorry, you're an accident, go fuck yourself'? Well, he could always kill him, not like Alesia wanted the kid anyways. But still... a part of O'Malley actually gave a heck about having a kid. After all, when he was gone, now he could have a ward for his empire of evil! O'Malley was about to do his famous evil laugh, yet he was cut off as the phone rang once more.

Grabbing it, O'Malley expected to hear from Alesia or something. However, that wasn't the case when another woman, this one sounding far kinder and sweeter, spoke through the phone. "Excuse me, is this O'Malley?" The lady asked, she sounded like she had been sobbing.

O'Malley, as much as he liked hearing people cry, suddenly felt something close to worry and anger enter his chest. "What is it?" He asked, holding back that nagging doubt to just turn off the phone and walk away.

"Its... its Mrs. DuFresne." She spoke.

Yeah, O'Malley definitely felt the wave of acknowledgement and anger fill him again as he realized who was calling. The mother of the very beautiful, kind and loving Jessie DuFresne. O'Malley remembered her fondly, she had been a real gem, having grown up on her family farm, and really was just a sweet, down to earth girl. He had slept with her more then once, which was rare for a guy like O'Malley. He hardly stayed with many girls for very long. Even so, O'Malley hadn't heard from Jessie in what felt like decades, but was only just six years ago now.

Rubbing his eyes, O'Malley sighed, trying to clear his ever raging mind. "What do you want, Clara?" He asked, scratching the back of his head as he began pacing.

"Its... its about Jess, oh lord, he took her away from us! Poor Jess... she died from a damned murderer. Now, the holy lord has taken my child... but I am not one to separate blood, you must take poor little Frank!" She exclaimed, crying on her end of the call.

Everything seemed to slow down at that, O'Malley blinked several times, then sighed, knowing all too well what would happen now. "When will he be coming here?" He asked.

"About ten o'clock, deary." The lady spoke. "Frank's so excited to meet you... I haven't seen him this happy since Jess died. I'll be calling after he's settled there, call if you need anything, Hun." With that, the line went dead for the second time that night.

O'Malley cursed every swear he knew as he threw the plug in phone off his desk, smashing it into the wall with a crash. Great, just great, now he was being given TWO little brats... that happened to be his blood children. O'Malley hated kids, they were gross, weird, tiny and all together a major annoyance. The man paced for hours afterwards as he awaited Frank and Lopez's arrival, glaring at the door every time he heard a noise. After only about three extra hours, they arrived, two boys looking to be from five to six. Lopez had darker skin, like his mother, along with her same color of black hair. He had blood red eyes, exactly like O'Malley's, which made it even more clear that Lopez was O'Malley's child.

Frank was a spitting image of his mother, short brown hair and light green eyes, a true replica. Still, O'Malley could see bits of himself in both boys, which made the killing idea sort of hard for him as he stared down at the two boys. Lopez crossed his arms, glaring up at O'Malley with those dark eyes, as if saying 'This is all your fault' to the man. Frank seemed terrified really, hiding behind Lopez, even though he had no idea who the kid was. Lopez had a giant toad stuffed animal, while Frank held a stuffed rabbit plushy. Even with this in mind, O'Malley was half tempted to shoot both boys then and there, but hey, he'd give it awhile, maybe see where this whole relationship would go before tossing them both out a window.

"¿Quién diablos es usted?" Lopez asked as he stared up at O'Malley, a questioning gaze in his eyes. ("Who the fuck are you?")

O'Malley cursed under his breath. Perfect, not only did he just get two children, but one of them only spoke Spanish, just dandy. "I'm O'Malley... your father."

Frank suddenly seemed to lose that fearful aura, slowly approaching O'Malley until he was face to knees with the taller male. With a soft squeak, he hugged O'Malley's legs, a look of true happiness on his face. "Daddy." He whispered.

Lopez glared at O'Malley still. "Ya te odio, viejo." He said in a dark tone. ("I already hate you, old man.")

Of all times to know Spanish, O'Malley really wish he knew the lousy language so that he would know what Lopez had just said. Lopez was probably not used to this, having come from Mexico, he was probably always understood. Being moved to Texas would surely be a rough change, but hey, O'Malley hardly cared at this point. And at least if Lopez died or was 'accidentally murdered', he still had Frank to act as his ward and future successor. Suddenly, O'Malley's thoughts were broken as Frank yanked on his pant leg, getting his attention.

"What?" O'Malley asked irritably. "What do you want from me?"

Frank seemed to study O'Malley before smiling. "One day, I'll be a medic!" He declared proudly. "To get started on my career path, I need you to call me Med or Doc." He explained.

"Usted será un tremendo médico." Lopez muttered under his breath as he still kept his arms crossed. ("You'll be a terrible medic.")

Doc seemed to not mind, still making grabby hands until O'Malley scooped the tiny child up, feeling Doc snuggle into his grip. "I've never had a daddy before... mommy said he was gone from fighting in a war... I'm not ever gonna be a fighter, I'm gonna stay a pacifist." He explained happily to his father.

"¿Te refieres a un chupete?" Lopez asked, raising an eyebrow. ("You mean a pacifier?")

O'Malley sighed as he set Doc down, glaring at both boys. He would not go soft over two little kids, no sir, especially if one refused to be violent and the other was sarcastic and only spoke Spanish. "Now you two see here," He began, putting his foot down. "From now on there will be no screaming, crying, laughing, giggling, irritable noises, yells, complaints or whines in this household. You two will always be quite unless I tell you to talk, and will obey every rule I set forth. If I see any reason, I will throw you out, do not tempt me. You will also eat when I tell you to and not complain about being hungry at any time, understood?"

It was quite... before both boys had VERY different responses.

"Will we be sleeping in your room, daddy? I get really bad nightmares sometimes." Doc said, eyes wide and watery. "It sure would be nice to snuggle with a daddy..."

Lopez glared at O'Malley. "Usted es una especie de idiota, ¿lo sabías?" He said boldly, suddenly smirking since O'Malley wouldn't understand it either way. ("You're kind of a douchebag, you know that?")

O'Malley sighed, this would be a LONG day.

...

It was two in the morning, yet no one had gone to bed yet, considering no one had even eaten yet. Doc was obeying the rules, quietly playing and whispering to his bunny in the corner of O'Malley's office, while Lopez completely glared at O'Malley, demanding food sooner or later. Already, O'Malley hated these kids. "No, Lopez. Shut up, I can't even tell what you're saying." He yelled angrily at the child.

Very quietly, Doc stood up and approached O'Malley's desk, pulling on the evildoers shirt sleeve until he bothered to look down at the frail child. "I can speak Spanish, Daddy. Mommy taught me so that way I could be super smart when I go to school one day and know how to talk to Spanish people in the army as a medic one day! I can... um... whats the word?"

"Translate?" O'Malley suggested, it was so hard not to find this kid cute, which sickened O'Malley to a certain degree. "You mean to translate his words?"

Doc nodded quickly. "Yes! I can do it, I really can!" He was hopping up and down, obviously excited to prove himself to his dear father, he suddenly stopped jumping, he blushed and looked away, ashamed. "Oops... sorry for making noises, daddy."

A part of O'Malley almost said for Doc not to worry about it, but Lopez spoke before O'Malley's rarely speaking conscious could beat him to it. "Dile que yo creo que es un completo idiota." He ordered. ("Tell him that I think he's a complete idiot.")

O'Malley glared at Lopez, he had easily been able to translate completo idiota into 'complete idiot' in seconds. However, Doc obviously still wanted to sound smart to O'Malley. "He says that he wants me to call you something bad, but I can't say it since mommy told me never to call people bad things. Please don't be mad, daddy! I'm sure big brother Lopez didn't mean it, right Lopez?"

The six year old boy scoffed at Doc, walking away. "No me llames hermano mayor, pequeño muchacho." Lopez muttered as he stomped away, still hungry and without any results on the food situation. "Voy a encontrar mi propia comida en este lugar podrido." ("Don't call me big brother, tiny boy." First sentence), ("I'll find my own food in this rotten place." Second sentence).

Doc frowned, watching as Lopez walked away before looking up at O'Malley again. "Daddy," He began, voice sweet and wanting. "Um... can I eat too, please?"

O'Malley sighed, rubbing his forehead before grabbing a bag of cat food and giving it to the small boy. "Here, eat this." He ordered, turning back to his research on his newest project.

Doc stared at the bag for a few seconds, trying to judge whether or not he was hungry enough to eat this stuff. Shrugging, he dipped his hand in, grabbing a hand full of the dry cat food and stuffing it in his mouth, whimpering at the awful taste. Upon seeing O'Malley send Doc a short glare for whimpering, Doc muffled the rest of his body's protest to the odd, disgusting substance. Doc ate cat food until he was full, eventually getting used to the taste as he went. He placed the bag aside, clutching his chest as great pain filled it. Okay... maybe eating cat food WASN'T a good idea after all.

"I thought I told you to be quiet!" O'Malley snapped as he glared down at Doc, suddenly his eyes widened as he watched Doc whimper louder, still holding onto his chest. "Dear god... whats wrong with you?"

"I dunno..." Doc mumbled in a half cry half moan.

"Te dije que sería un mal médico". Lopez muttered as he entered the room, carrying a stale bag of food. "La comida aquí es una mierda, por cierto." ("Told you he'd be a bad medic." First sentence) ("The food here sucks by the way." Second sentence).

O'Malley growled, getting down to Doc's eye level and forcing the boy to lay on his bag as the man checked him, then checked the cat food bag. "Oops." He muttered as he realized what he had just forced Doc to eat.

"Vaya, qué quiere usted decir con ups?" Lopez questioned, crossing his arms as he glared at O'Malley. ("Oops, what do you mean by oops?")

O'Malley looked nervous, smiling in that same emotion. "Um... don't look now but, I may have just made a five year old eat cat food." He said.

"I'm four." Doc managed to squeak out from his pain. "I think I'm gonna-" It was too late.

O'Malley yelped as he was covered in vomit coming from Doc, who was crying as he did so. "Goddammit." The evildoer muttered as he picked Doc up, leabving the room with Lopez following behind. "Now I have to clean THIS up on top of everything else, I hope you're happy, Doc."

Lopez glared even harder at O'Malley. "No fue su culpa, usted es el que le dio la comida para gatos, Einstein". He said angrily, tempted to kick O'Malley in the legs, but didn't want the man to end up dropping Doc in the process. ("It wasn't his fault, you're the one who gave him cat food, Einstein.")

"Oh, shut up." O'Malley muttered as he walked into the bathroom, dropping Doc in the empty bathtub. "Stay." He ordered before walking off, probably to change shirts or get something.

Doc looked terrified. "Do you think daddy hates me, Lopez?" He asked.

"Yo sé que hacer." Lopez muttered, but shrugged anyways. ("I know I do.")

Doc sighed, staring at himself. He was covered in vomit... it was truly sad. He wiped his tear filled eyes, sniffling as a deep sadness filled him. He didn't want O'Malley to hate him, he had never once had a father, and now he might've messed it up by puking on the man. It wasn't his fault of course, but still, Doc hadn't been able to warn O'Malley in time, getting the man covered in Doc's vomit. The boy suddenly looked up as O'Malley returned, a bucket of soapy water and wearing a white T-shirt instead of his purple one he had been wearing before.

"Alright... lets get this off of you before Clara bothers to call." He muttered under his breath, forcing the small boy to undress as he got the bath ready.

"You mean, granny?" Doc questioned, staring up at O'Malley as the bath filled with hot water, warming his frail form. "Is she coming over?"

O'Malley chuckled. "I pray to God not." He said, scrubbing at the child's head, then turned to Lopez. "Can you wash yourself or do you need assistance?"

Lopez flicked the man off before walking away, leaving Doc and O'Malley in peace. "I think he likes you." Doc declared, smiling up at O'Malley.

"Oh shut up, kid." O'Malley muttered as he washed Doc, not even realizing how fast he was changing with these kids in his life.

...

It was only an hour later before Doc was cleaned up and dried, redressing in loose fitting pajamas. He blinked a few times as he grew more and more tired, staring uo at O'Malley expectantly as the man worked on his research. "Daddy?" He asked in that sweet voice again. "Where do I go to bed?"

"Excuse me?" O'Malley asked, not understanding Doc's question.

"Él quiere saber donde las habitaciones son, listillo." Lopez explained, also dressed in pajamas. ("He wants to know where our bedrooms are, smartass.")

O'Malley rolled his eyes, looking to Doc for an explanation. "Translation?" He asked.

Doc smiled. "We're asking where the bedrooms are, so we can sleep." He explained.

O'Malley looked around, he didn't have a very big place of his own. He lived in a small house, far from town and the cities. it had only one bedroom, three torture rooms in the basement (Which was thankfully locked), two bathrooms, a kitchen, one laundry room, a study and a living room. There wasn't really anywhere the kids could sleep. Smirking, o'Malley stood, grabbing two different blankets and throwing them onto the floor, motioning towards them to the two boys.

"These are your beds." He said, smirking. "the rest of your things will be kept in the corner of the room, do not make any messes, Understood?"

Doc nodded before crawling under one of the blankets. Lopez, however, glared at O'Malley shook his head, crossing his arms and glaring at O'Malley. "No." He said simply. ("No.")

"Excuse me?" O'Malley said, tone going dark. "I'm being nice enough by letting you sleep in my study, you could always sleep outside."

Lopez sighed before, very angrily, going under his blanket, huffing at O'Malley. As soon as O'Malley walked off to his own room to sleep, Doc crawled out of bed, hopped into O'Malley's chair and started looking at all of his papers. Lopez gazed at Doc for a bit, considering either actually sleeping or joining Doc in whatever he was doing. Deciding he wasn't tired, Lopez stood up, crawling onto the chair as well until he was side to side with Doc, who had found a purple marker on the table.

"¿Qué estás haciendo?" Lopez asked, staring at the papers as Doc drew on them. ("What are you doing?")

Doc smiled. "I'm drawing daddy pictures, for his machines. They look scary... so I'm making them happy!" He explained, going back to coloring with all of the markers, but mostly the purple one.

Lopez gazed at the sheets, eyes widening as his eyes met them. They were completely covered in drawings, most were cute, little animals, but there was one or two of Lopez, Doc and O'Malley as well as a woman Lopez failed to recognize, he doubted that he knew her though. Doc drew O'Malley with dark purple, Lopez with red/grey, the woman with pink and himself with light purple. It was sort of cute, but Lopez knew that O'Malley would flip out once he saw this mess. Suddenly, Lopez smirked, grabbing his own color, the one Doc had used to draw him, and began doodling on the papers as well. After all, why pass up a chance to screw with the man who had never even known he was born and that he was his father?

...

O'Malley growled as he awoke, running a hand through his sweat covered hair. It was about noon, but he hardly cared, he had gone to bed later then usual anyhow. He stood up, limped to his closet, and began getting dressed in his usual villains outfit. He hadn't worn it last night, since the kids had no idea that he was Omega, the famous serial killer. But now, he was prepared to tell them who he was, after all, they should know who they're messing with. He wore a purple suit, the kind people stare at with wide eyes and amazed expressions. Underneath was a light purple T-shirt, while he wore white socks with black dress shoes over them. He pulled out his two AK47's and smiled as he admired them using his bedroom mirror. Yep, he was ready alright.

He strolled out of his bedroom, stopping before his study door with a worried ache entering his stomach. Either he had eaten cat food last night like Doc had or something bad had happened. Deciding to get it over with, he opened the door, staring at his desk with a slack jaw and shock filled eyes. They had wreaked the place, paper and crayons were everywhere, paint was splashed over everything, mud had gotten thrown in from the window by someone, and worst of all, O'Malley's invention worksheets had been completely drawn and colored on. However, the kids were nowhere in sight. The sound of footsteps told O'Malley to look in the kitchen, causing him to zoom in, ready to kill those crazy children.

He stopped dead in his tracks... Doc and Lopez were standing there. Doc was holding a mud-pie, looking to have been made mostly out of mud, broken crayons and broken egg shells. Lopez had also made something in a glass, but it looked like a green substance that O'Malley was sure could kill him. He stared down at Doc, who looked disappointed that he had found them. "Aw... we were gonna make you breakfast in bed." Doc explained, pouting up at O'Malley.

O'Malley was silent, staring from Lopez to Doc, not knowing how to react. "Yo no ayudo, yo sólo traté de hacer veneno." Lopez happily pointed out as he held the glass up to O'Malley. "Me atrevo a beber esto, apuesto a que no va a vivir." ("I didn't help, I only tried to make poison." First sentence) ("I dare you to drink this, bet you won't live." Second sentence)

O'Malley finally sighed, staring at the floor while going half limp. "You kids are going to be the death of me..." He muttered.

"We love you too, daddy!" Doc yelled, smiling up at O'Malley.

Lopez smiled, actually smiled, for a moment as he said: "Todavía te odio ... pero me pondré en contacto con usted." He explained, still looking rather relaxed. ("I still hate you... but I'll put up with you.")

The End???

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I didn't put in any real quotes to my sadness in this, but I think its far enough where I can stop and not drag it on and on. I'll probably make a sequel to this, probably when Doc and Lopez are both teenagers or college students. Please comment!


End file.
